A lake, leaning... and learning

I woke up yesterday morning feeling dead tired. I had been feeling tired all week. Sugars had not been very sweet to me the past several days. I go through these spells of high and low sugars, and none in the happy middle...

If you are unfamiliar with the effects of bad blood sugars, here's a quick run down: Rest isn't restful, normal every day activities are straining, moods are sour, thirst is unquenchable, and the outlook on life is depressing. 

I mean, where's the joy in waking up every single day to being sick, and not knowing what will set your sugars out of control...

It's hard really.

Life's hard really...

So my morning blood sugar yesterday was 270. Yuck. When we all loaded the car to bound for the lake I was NOT awake. I didn't feel like spending the entire day out in the hot sun, out on the water, nervous that my sugar might drop fast with all the energy I'm burning. 

What was supposed to be a fun day was already spiraling down and morphing into a difficult obligation.

I tell mom at the gas station that I didn't feel good. She reassures me that I can take it easy for the day...

That's the thing. I don't want to take it easy; I don't want to feel like I have to pace myself. I'm 19 years young, and should be able to do anything I want to. I don't want to feel held back.

But all of us, really, are held back by something. Fears, ourselves, other people, illness, deaths, difficult childhoods, small finances...

Why is it, that we always think of the things that potentially tie us down, but forget to think of all the many things that push us forward...? 

Where is our faith?

We get back in the car to begin our haul down I-85. I decide to check my sugar...

It reads 118.

118!!

I couldn't contain my happiness. MY SUGAR IS 118!

I tell my sister I'm so happy I could cry. I wasn't joking.

Thank you Lord for good blood sugars, and thank you Lord for the bad sugars that make me thankful for the good ones, and remind me how fragile this life is, and that I'm not the one in control...

We drive across the long bridge, water stretching to the left and right and underneath us. Lake Norman is a sight.

The first dip in the water felt so warm, like a bath tub. We were only at the dock at the lake house. I was ready to go out there. Go way out on the water.

Our friend Harry trails down the Sea Doo's. I had never driven/ridden one before...

We spent hours on them! Bouncing on the waves and the water, zooming like a bullet but without a target. Too much fun...

The rain made us come inside for a while. I thought our day here was pretty much over...not yet. We sat in chairs in the screened in porch and chatted, raindrops falling all around.

After stories and pictures shared, the rain stopped. 

Harry walks to the garage.

Skis.

Water skis. 

He tells Ciera she was going to water ski. She invites me and mom to come along. Sure. I was feeling tired and was planning on just watching Ciera ski on the water. I knew nothing about that kind of sport...

We take off from the dock... She's up!!

She's skiing! I snap pictures, take a video, cheer. Smiles all around. 

Her balance gives out and she goes down. She reattaches her ski's, grabs the rope handle, and we're off again and she's gliding on water, probably not aware of just how cool she looks right now. She learned how to water ski last summer, on the same water.

"Do you want to try Briana?" she asks me as she's spitting out the lake water from her mouth and nose

"YES!" I wanted to. I wanted to at least try. 

I jump in the lake. The life jacket pulls me straight up. She hands me the skis. We adjust them just right. I'm really nervous. Ciera climbs back in the boat. I grab the rope. Hold my position as best I can.

The engine cranks, the water circulates, the rope tugs... 

I'm pulled, jerked hard, and my body drags straight forward into the water. My nose burns and stings.

I tried.

Try again they tell me from the boat. Okay. 

"It's like a recliner, you have to lean into it." Mama tells me while she demonstrates. "Let the boat pull you up. The boat does all the work, you just ride."

Lean into something that's going against me? 

I hear the voice of a dear friend and mentor from a conversation that happened only last week.

You have to lean in and embrace your conflicts. She tells the story of her daughter as a toddler who felt the winter wind blowing against her face. Instead of covering her bare skin, she leaned her head out to feel more. The biting cold all against her, and she opens herself to it.

Why do we fight conflict. We shelter ourselves from pain to preserve our lives so that we might have more life, but really we shut ourselves out from life altogether. 

Is there life in suffering?

Is there life in pain?

Is there life in what we do not know and have no control over?

Actually, life is only found in these places... 

We must be brought low before we can really revel in the goodness of God...

The truth is we all deserve hell.

God gave Christ His only Son as a ransom.

Our ransom. My ransom. Your ransom.

Because of Christ we can have Heaven.

Then this all means, anything above hell is a blessing.

We aren't even aware of how blessed we are!

God gives conflicts and struggles purposefully. And we can thank Him for it.

. . .

Can I thank Him for diabetes?

Can I say that with an honest heart?

Can I lean into Him and let Him pull me up...

God, thank you for saving me. I've done nothing to earn your grace and mercy... 

You know the burdens of my heart.

You know I don't love being sick.

God, I want to thank you for my illness. Yes, I want to thank you. If I lived an easy life I wouldn't need you, I wouldn't want you. Thank you for making me weak, because it lets me see just how strong you are. I get to walk a road that is hard, is work, is painful... but it takes me to You. Thank you...

They say suffering lets you know God in such a way that nothing else can.

If that's the case, then I want a life like nothing else.

My skis are back on, my grip is tight around the handle, knees bent. I see Harry look back at me to see if I am ready to try again. I nod. He takes off.

The water sprays hard on my body, pushing me back. I hold on. I lean back, just like I were in a recliner. I let the boat pull me...

And I'm up!

My second try at water skiing, and I am up on my ski's, gliding across the water!

And I am so surprised I don't realize I'm up on the water until I see everyone on the boat cheering for me...

Yesterday contained surprises and joys. Every day does really. We just have to realize what they are...

I am resolving to take all my pains, struggles, opposition... and lean into them. Even thank God for them. Can you too?

Let Him be your strength and lift you up. He never lets go.