For a Weary Heart

It's been a BUSY past few weeks.

School. Family. Money. School. Interning. A messy house. Losing Sleep. Crazy Sugars. Oh yeah, and I said school right?

This morning my sugar was 50; such a low that my fast heartbeat is what woke me up. Yeah...

Not to mention my body hasn't adjusted to waking up early.

But right now I feel pretty great.
I really do.

I've had these crazy urges lately to be outside. I don't know why. But something about being outdoors, not confined to a desk, makes my heart happy.

Something about the openness and brightness of being outside draws me. I remember how much time I spent outside as a kid, and I wonder what has made me a creature of four walls. 

But my heart is happy out here. 

I've been in the continual struggle of being positive or being defeated. 

With all the deadlines, early attendance, dealing with people, my own health issues I try to remember Ann Voskamps words that, "life is not an emergency." 

Recently, I've had various encounters with people, books, and posts that point to positive thinking...
I took Dr. Clifton's Strength's Finder test last week. It's a psychology test that lets you know what your top five strengths are as a person. One of my strengths is achiever. Basically, I have a strong drive to always accomplish something. I can't not do something. This strength pushes me to new tasks and new challenges. (Kind of sounds a little overbearing to me...) But that's a part of who I am, and those that know me well can't deny it either.

So I rush. I push myself. I do more work because I want to. I'm not happy if my work isn't done well.
Why? Because that's a reflection on me.

If I mess up, if I didn't make the grade I wanted, or if no one enjoyed the event I planned... then I failed, and my little achiever's heart is crushed.

Sounds like an ego problem to me.

Give me a job and I'll do it well is the cry of my drive. See? Look what I can do! I did it.
And with all the work that's been required of me lately, my achiever's heart is reeling.

King David was given a job. He needed to place the Ark of the Covenant in the tabernacle of God. The Philistines wanted to kill David, but David and his mighty men defeated the Philistines so that the Ark could be taken to where it belonged.

"And David did as God commanded him, and they struck down the Philistine army from Gibeon to Gezer. And the fame of David went out into all lands, and the Lord brought the fear of him upon all nations." 1 Chronicles 14:16,17

So he became famous.

He achieved his task and became a hero.

But do you know what David did...

Instead of reveling in his glory moment, he immediately appointed ministers and musicians and had a great big worship service. David gave thanks.

"Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!" 1 Chronicles 16:10

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!" 1 Chronicles 16:34

........that's not my typical response........


But God is changing that in me. He's helping me discover His joy in His places in His time. I go outside and look at His creation, and in my heart I am in awe.

"Let the sea roar, and all that fills it; let the field exult, and everything in it!..." 

"...then shall the trees of the forest sing for joy..." 1 Chronicles 16:32,33 

I'm finding peace in the chaos.
I am given joy instead of defeat.
I have a faithful God who loves me and draws me out of my hopelessness and saves me.

I can't keep it to myself. God is God. He is worthy of my praise and complete adoration...

Thank you Lord for changing my heart...
Thank you for giving me hope...

Help me on my journey. I forget how good You are.

"Remember the wondrous works that he has done... For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and he is to be held in awe above all gods." 1 Chronicles 16: 12, 25 

When I step out of my world long enough, I realize how vain all my work is apart from Him.

I can't help but daily give my cares, my goals, my plans, my health,... my heart... to Him.

To Mom and Dad.

My family is weird. Straight up. At least I think so. Ah, no. I know so. All the time I hear, "How did your parents end up together? They're so different!"
And gracious they are.
Basically, every personality trait my mom has, dad has the complete opposite and vice versa. Mom's always been the social butterfly, active and charismatic, while dad is the selectively social guy who likes to sit in his chair in the corner with a book.

Classic "opposites attract" scenario.

No seriously, I used my parents as an example for my SAT essay in high school. The prompt asked about opposites attracting as a good or bad thing. Glad I've had first hand experience.
It fascinates me honestly. As I've been on my own journey of figuring out my place in this world, I've constantly been reflecting on where I came from and who I belong to.
Mom and Dad.
Mark and Marla.
Oh. Boy.

The other night, my boyfriends' dad asked me, "So Briana, who are you more like? Your mom or your dad?"

I can proudly say both.

Yes. Proudly.

I want to be a teacher; I believe the true heart and ultimate philosophy of teaching is knowing how to be taught. Learning lessons by everyday life experiences. My very first teachers were my parents.

And even though they've taught me countless skills packed in my 20 years of life, it seems like just now I am grasping the BIG life lessons from them.

Mom.

I am your daughter, there's no denying that. People don't always see that though until they get to know you or I better.
You have a people spirit. You always see the good in everyone. Your heart has room and more for everybody it seems like.
You are creative. You dance to the beat of your own drum, and people are naturally drawn to you. They see you having fun and they want to have fun too!
You don't judge; you welcome.
You laugh and play.

We're two kindred hearts.
And faces.

You were a writer at my age too. You're a story teller and teacher. You're always up for trying something new. At my age, you were a musician, had your own shows and gigs. You performed, and in high school I found out I liked performing too. (Or maybe we just like attention....Nahh...)

I see you in me more and more.
There's just one more thing I NEED to learn from you.
How to cook!
Best chef I know is my mama.

Dad.

You're a nerd. Even now as I'm typing this you're flipping through 4 different books. Hah! I used to get so aggravated at you when I was younger. I would ask your advice about a problem with a friend or something I was sad about. And you know what you did. You said, "Well I have a book that could help you..." and go straight to the shelf, search for the bounded words of wisdom, and hand it to me.

Dr. Roberts

You taught me to figure out my gifts and passions and pursue them. You know God made us all different for a designed purpose. You love doctrine, philosophy, and politics.

Today was voting day. Dad had copies of ballots by the coffee maker for all the eligible voters of our house, ready to roll. You were pretty proud of your "Conservative Army" (as he called us) today. Be prepared. That's the Boy Scout motto.

You value knowledge and understanding. You debate and discuss. You like to keep life simple. You work hard. You are disciplined and very procedural.

You're incredibly sarcastic, and so am I.

Mom and Dad...

I've been part of your lives for twenty years. Your stories go deeper than that. Our family has been thrown some punches. We've felt the rawness and depravity of life. There were some ugly times.

God even used those times too.

Mom and Dad...

You've passed on the most important thing a child needs in life. You've passed on your faith. I hope to continue your legacy.

Some people don't understand you or our family. I do. And I do a lot more now than ever before. It's easy to criticize and list things that could have been done better... it's easy to hold on to the ugly things and be bitter.

But I've been taught so much more, humbled even. God's grace found it's way through your hearts and into ours.

I'm thankful.